


The Scars Don't Fade

by CyreneHime



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur Finds Out, Immortal Merlin, Magic Reveal, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, Open Ending?, Sad, i just found this and it's finished basically so why not, im sorry, merlin can't die, that merlin has magic, very very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26535214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyreneHime/pseuds/CyreneHime
Summary: Merlin leaned backwards, tilting his head back until his golden eyes meet blue ones."Sorcerer…" Arthur whispered."Give me one good reason why I shouldn't run you through right now, sorcerer," Arthur hissed.Merlin shrugged. "Probably wouldn't make much of a difference.""What?""Oh, nothing. I hope you have more success than me, but I doubt it."He untied the fabric from his neck, then shrugged off his shirt and jacket, exposing his scars.At this point, there was no point in hiding.He looked Arthur in the eyes."If I could die, don't you think I would be dead already?"After all, even with magic, his self-inflicted scars never healedNOTE: this is really angsty and really sad and has mentions of attempted suicide so if that triggers you please don't read thank you
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 304





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I WILL SAY THIS AGIAN IN CASE U DIDN'T READ THE SUMMERY  
> trigger warnings include:
> 
> -mention of suicide attempts  
> -sorta descriptive mentions of said attempts  
> -ambiguous/open ending with no clear end result it can be happy or sad and sometimes that really sucks for the reader so yea  
> -much feels

Merlin rolled his eyes as he watched a few idiots jump into the lake.

Ok, they weren't idiots because they were jumping into the lake, it was bloody hot outside, and Merlin was sweating, even after he removed his jacket, tying it around his waist.

They were idiots because… 

Well, they just were.

" _Mer_ lin!"

He turned to see His Royal Prattiness running over, his face beet red, though whether it was from running in the mid summer sun, clad in full armour, or if it was from his anger.

"Where is Gwaine?!" Arthur demanded.

Now that he was closer, Merlin bit in a snigger. Arthur's once pristine, blonde hair had been dyed pink.

Merlin, not trusting himself to speak, pointed to the lake, where Gwaine and his accomplice Lancelot were trying to hide.

Evidently, Arthur has fallen asleep after training and forgot to close the door while he waited for Merlin to come and help him get his armour off.

"Traitor!" Gwaine shrieked in an impossibly high pitch as a pissed off prince started chucking stuff at him.

Just another typical day in Camelot.

In punishment, Arthur had the two offenders tied up on the bank, while he and the rest of the knights swam in the refreshing water. (The dye hadn't set long enough to stain his hair, so when he came out of the water, only the faintest pink tinge could be seen)

" _Mer_ lin! What _are_ you waiting for? Get in the water!" Arthur called up to his servant.

Immediately, Merlin recoiled, shaking his head faster than necessary. "No! I'm good!"

Arthur frowned. "It's bloody hot out here, just jump in already."

"It's not that hot!" 

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "Merlin… do you know how to swim?" 

An offended look flashed across the warlock's face. "...no,"

"You liar, Merlin!" Gwaine joined their conversation. "You're the best swimmer I've ever met!" 

Merlin shot him panicked looks, trying to warn him to shut up.

The drunkard didn't notice.

Unfortunately, while Merlin was preoccupied glaring at Gwaine, Arthur had climbed out of the water and was trying to drag Merlin down to the water by his neckerchief.

"Come on, _Mer_ lin! I don't know _what_ you’re so afraid of.”

After successfully pulling him ankle deep into the water, Merlin's neckerchief came undone.

The force sent Merlin tumbling down into his backside, his chin tucked against his chest.

He felt his shirt being lifted up.

He heard a gasp.

 _Oh no,_ Merlin thought.

...  
....  
...

Arthur rolled his eyes at his servant's antics.

He went to pull off Merlin's shirt-they're annoying to swim with-when he saw something.

Scars.

They criss crossed his servant's stomach, and possibly his chest, too.

He must have gasped, because Merlin's head snapped up, yanking down his shirt as he stumbled up.

And that's when Arthur saw the reason why Merlin always wore a neckerchief.

A dark scar wrapped around his throat, about the thickness of a rope.

Merlin stood, frozen, then bolted like a deer, vanishing back towards the castle, his head down.

...  
....  
...

Merlin panicked. 

This time, he had royally screwed up.

He kept his head down as he sprinted down the halls, not caring about the confused glances that were sent his way.

Once he was in his room, he slammed the door shut, sinking down in front of the door.

Guias's concerned voice came through. "Merlin…? Are you ok?"

Silence.

"Hiding from Arthur?"

Silence again.

He must have taken that as a yes, because when Arthur burst into the physician's room, demanding for Merlin, the old man said he wasn't there.

Once the prince was gone, Guias let himself into Merlin's room.

He knew immediately what had Merlin in such a bad mood.

His neckerchief was gone, and his scars could be seen.

Even with magic, his self-inflicted scars never healed

...  
....  
...

It wasn't uncommon, since the beginning of the Purge, for those born with magic to end their lives rather than live in fear.

A quick and easy death, in their own terms. Not a slow, painful death by fire.

Merlin started to despise his own existence pretty early.

At first, he didn't see what was wrong with magic, but as he grew up, he saw the hatred everyone held for it.

He was nine when he tried the first time.

Deep in the forest, he took a knife he had stolen from the kitchen, and drove it into his stomach.

He woke up a few hours later, on the ground, a hole in his shirt and a scar where he had stabbed himself.

He never told his mom.

The next time, after witnessing a hanging, he tried to strangle himself.

A rope snuck from the neighbor's, secured to a tree, he tied it around his neck and fell out of the branches. 

An hour later, he woke up, dangling a foot off the ground by his neck.

He returned the rope, and hid the bruise with a square cloth tied around his throat.

His first neckerchief.

His attempts steadily increased, until every other day he was trying to end himself.

Nothing worked.

Nothing made sense.

All the other sorcerers had died, why wouldn't he?

The answer had come much later than he had wanted. 

After being Arthur's servant for a while, his death attempts slowed. He was simply too busy.

Once, he was caught by Guias. 

Guias explained his theory, after almost passing out at the sight of Merlin stabbing himself.

"Immortal…?" Merlin whispered.

He rubbed his neck, his fingers running over the grooves left from the ropes he had used over and over.

After that, Merlin didn't take a blade to his skin. What was the point?

Then when magical things started charging after Arthur, Merlin did his best to save the prat. And throw himself into the path of lethal magic.

Spoiler; it didn't kill him.

But then, for the first time since Will, he had friends. He stopped hurling himself into danger, he stopped mutilating his skin.

There were still scars from his previous attempts, but none were fresh.

Well, most weren't.

Sometimes, after fights, after losing people, he tore through his skin, wanting desperately to join them in the afterlife.

He took one of Gaius's scalpels, carving the names of those he'd failed into his skin, retracing the wounds every time he felt guilty for their deaths.

Will. Freya. Balinor. Even Morgana, though she wasn't physically dead, the person she used to be was.

Now, Arthur has seen some of his scars. And he would definitely come questioning.

He wrapped a spare scrap of cloth around his neck, weaving through Camelot, heading to the forest.

There was a small sanctuary in the woods. A meadow by a bubbling brook. Merlin sat down on the grass, conjuring butterflies and growing flowers around him so he could weave them into crowns and boats, sending them down the stream.

Merlin heard a crack behind him. He played it no attention, continuing to magic the plants and butterflies into existence.

"Merlin?"

"Arthur." He replied, not looking up from his weaving. Not even when a sharp piece of metal was pushed against his back.

"Merlin, look at me." It was an order. The prince's voice shook.

Merlin leaned backwards, tilting his head back until his golden eyes meet blue ones.

"Sorcerer…" Arthur whispered. 

Merlin didn't react. He just looked blankly, then straightened up, resuming his weaving, making intricate designs with the stems of the flowers.

He felt the sword against his back again.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't run you through right now, sorcerer," Arthur hissed.

Merlin shrugged. "Probably wouldn't make much of a difference." 

"What?" 

"Oh, nothing. I hope you have more success than me, but I doubt it."

Arthur looked confusedly at Merlin. 

"What do you mean?"

Merlin made no response.

"Speak!"

Merlin rolled his eyes. He untied the fabric from his neck, then shrugged off his shirt and jacket, exposing his scars. 

They'd already been seen. 

At this point, there was no point in hiding.

He turned around, and Arthur gaped at the scars criss crossing his abdomen.

Merlin pointed to his neck. "This is one of the oldest. Rope. I was nine. This one, stab wound. Eleven. Kitchen knife, nine. Rusted nail, ten…." He pointed out each of his scars, naming the weapon, and his approximate age.

After a while, he paused, not even halfway done. He looked Arthur in the eyes.

"If I could die, don't you think I would be dead already?"

...  
....  
.....


	2. A Second Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur's reaction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all asked for more, and I came thru ayyyy
> 
> Thank you all for your comments and kudos I legit didn't think I would get any views on this
> 
> Here's a happy ending as a thank you :)

_"If I could die, don't you think I would be dead already?"_

The gold had faded from his eyes, leaving them hollow and empty.

Arthur's stomach twisted into knots, as his manservant's entire, happy-go-lucky and optimistic persona fell away. 

It felt horribly wrong, to see Merlin's face without a hint of a smile. Without a ghost of a laugh, and a twinkle in his eyes.

Now they were cold, and dead and haunted.

"Was it all just a lie?" Everything, every smile, every joke, every laugh, was it all fake? An illusion?

Merlin shrugged. "I don't know. I know that it's how I used to be. I don't think I've been that Merlin in a long time, though."

"It… feels like the real me, but not." The sorcerer let out a humorless chuckle. "Not that I can tell reality from my own dreams. Who knows? Maybe I'm asleep right now, in a nightmare. Maybe I'm not even Merlin. Maybe I'm the figment of my own imagination, living out a fantasy. Or maybe I did die that first time, and this is the depths of Hell, proving to myself over and over sorcerers are evil and can never do any good in this messed up world because every time we try we screw it up."

"Merlin…" 

Merlin looked back into Arthur's eyes.

"Merlin, you're crying…" the Prince whispered

Merlin blinked. He brought his hand up to his face, wiping the salty water that left tracks down his cheeks

"Oh," he said softly. "I didn't realize…"

They stood there for a moment, the only sound was the rustling of the wind through the crying daisies, and the somber bubbling of the stream.

"If you're gonna behead me, just get it over with." Merlin broke the silence. He closed his eyes, and waited.

At first, Arthur was still. Then the soft sound of flowers being crushed underfoot came, getting closer and closer. 

Merlin tensed.

Tears filled his unopen eyes, but he dared not look.

He hadn't wanted the look of fear and disgust on Arthur's face to be engraved into his mind forever.

A loud clang made Merlin flinch, surprised at the sudden sound.

_Here it comes… I'll miss you, Gwen, Guess, Lancelot, Percival… everyone…._

_Arthur…_

He waited for the final blow.

He wasn't expecting warm arms to wrap around him, strong and unrelenting. 

"Merlin, don't you dare-" if Arthur's voice cracked, neither of them mentioned it. "Don't you dare think that you're worth so little."

Arthur Pendragon, son of Uther, Prince of Camalot, cries for no man.

But Arthur, Merlin's friend, cries for his best friend.

"Don't even think about leaving, understand? You are my manservant after all, I can't have you disappearing on me." The prince said, trying to uphold his image. "I-I can't promise it'll be easy. I can't promise everyone will accept this. But…"

He looked into Merlin's glistening hazel eyes.

"I can promise you this:  
"I don't care where you learned your magic, or why. But I will do everything I can to repeal the anti magic act, so you can be free. And I'll need you there, every step of the way."

Merlin sobbed.

~

Four years later, nearly a year after Uther's passing, Merlin stood proudly along side Arthur, as the Prince-turned-king proclaimed magic legal, and Merlin the Court Sorcerer. 

It wasn't perfect. 

Not everyone agreed.

But it was a start

And finally.... Merlin was free

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember Y'all
> 
> Find your Arthur. And your Gwen's. And your Lancelot's
> 
> Gather your Knights of your Table and as you support and lean on them, they will support and lean on you.
> 
> Be wary of your Uther's, and keep your Guias' close. 
> 
> Don't suffer alone. Even Merlin had a confidant. And remember when Lancelot was gone? How sad Merlin was? All of you are a Merlin to someone, and a Lancelot or Arthur or Guias or Gwen to someone. Don't leave them, and don't let them leave you
> 
> I hope that makes sense
> 
> I love you ALL y'all're amazing and I hope you enjoyed the official ending

**Author's Note:**

> if any of you feel like committing suicide please don't, the world will be a far less bright place without you  
> y'all're Merlins, not realizing that you are also Emrys and have an important future ahead of you. Go find your Arthur's bc they will 100% miss you  
> do yall remember what happens every time merlin goes off to do somthing dangerous and he's all like, "Arthur won't even notice im gone!" and then litterally the whole episode Arthur is all like, "Where's merlin?" "have you seen merlin?" "MERLIN" "Where have you BEEN, MERlin?!?!"  
> your arthurs will miss you so much you can't comprehend  
> and sorry if this anaology got away from me but yea.
> 
> y'all're important


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